summer sads

july

I’m comfortable. I’m too comfortable. It’s because lately it’s been…not painful, but anxiety-inducing, to keep trying.

July has turned me into a homebody, in reality, yes, but in personality. The kind of person who sits at home in her tiny apartment waiting until 9pm when the sunsets so she can binge watch a show that came out years ago. I love the 235 sq ft I live in. I’m grateful for it. I take care of it. This apartment is my savior. But even so, I would not like to be a homebody. I do not want to be passive of stagnant. Not in the city that never sleeps.

Of course I went out (I did!), but I mostly stayed home. I will travel to the other side of the world for a hike with a view but can’t get my ass off my couch to take cheap public transportation to some of the most curated coffee shops in the world. July has been slow.

Self-management wears and tears at you. At least it does for me. I teach less in the summer, and have been struggling with my free time. I’ve been struggling to grow my business. I’ve been poisoned by social media and I worry I don’t have any originality anymore, I just want what shown to me. A body in motion stays in motion, and a body who gets home from her morning walk with her dog, comes home and plops on the couch and tries to “grow her business” from her laptop, well, does just that.

I should say I am growing my business, but the path has been murky and unclear, and most days are spent thinking about what to do next.

I really have done things this summer. Fun things. I’ve gone dancing. I watched the Knicks win. But because I don’t clock out of my 9-5 and scream “FREEDOM!” the hours blend together into days, and I’m on my couch writing and working. How you spend your days is how you spend your life. I’m terrified I’m wasting mine. Petrified. But still, it’s hard to get unstuck.

Instead of using this free time to explore every ounce of this city and read every book possible, I cuddle with my dog and think of what to post on social media. Marketing is a soul sucking hell. I write. But business-ing and writing doesn’t always feel productive. It’s hard to quantify. I work and sleep and sit in the same room all day. I really should leave my place to shake up the scenery. Seems like this could solve 70% of my feeling. But I don’t. Because every year I get the Summer Sads. And I have them now.

When you have a creative business, most times feel anything but creative. You’re thinking about logistics. You’re thinking about money. I have felt so uncreative the past few weeks, one might even say fraudulent. Do I know how to do this? Do I have anything to say? How come I can’t output? Is the thing I want to make even realistic? Why do I feel like every time I go to write I feel like I’ve never written before. Like I’ve never had an opinion? Everything I do feels extremely high stakes, because I have a) a reputation of being good at this and b) nothing to fall back on. I’m not complaining. I just have the Sads.

I know the answer. The answer is to go out. The answer is to compartmentalize. The answer is to get the fuck off social media. The answer is to write less, but focus more. The answer is to take a deep breath. The answer is to remind myself of what I’ve proven I can do. The answer is to think of the people who have bought tickets to all my things. The answer is to hear the crowds laughing. The answer is to spend money. The answer is to stop obsessing over the future. The answer is to believe in the best possible outcome. The answer is to be happy now. The answer is to have deadlines. The answer is to stick to a work-out routine. The answer is to lower expectations for everyone. The answer is community. The answer is to stop comparing myself to others. The answer is delusional confidence. The answer is to remind myself why I love myself. The answer is to keep trying.

The point of this post, you ask? The point is to write this down and move past it, close my laptop, hold tightly the vision of what I know is possible, slather on some SPF, and take the smallest step forward.

Thanks for reading.